Nothing could stop young Matt Dressikie from achieving his dreams of being a pro basketball player. Not the amputation of his arms and legs or the fact that he came from a nowhere town in rural Indiana. His father, a former semi-pro player embittered by his missed chances, would often tell Matthew, “Son, you can give your life and blood to this game, and all it will give you in return is heartache. Pure heartache.” Yet this did not deter him. Even the discouragement of his coach didn’t take his eyes off the goal. “Get you head out of the clouds boy!” his coach would say. “Ain’t nobody from this town ever gonna make it to the big-time.” Matt’s peers would often make fun and put down his dreams, “Look at him,” they’d point. “He has big dreams. He thinks he’s too good for us.” Still, Matt held on to them. For one day he was going to prove them all wrong. Yes folks, this quadruple amputee was gonna make it.
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Against All Odds
The men marched up the hill, full well knowing on the other side lie the enemy army -ten thousand strong, as opposed to their two hundred. Knowing the odds against them, the commander asked, “If anyone is scared, he should speak up now.” Everyone spoke at once and created such a noise the enemy camp awoke from their slumber and proceeded to massacre them all in quick time. It was a numbers game, really.
In fact the massacre was so fast after the enemy army returned to bed they awoke the next morning and thought it might have all been a dream. “Nope!” one of them shouted, pointing to the still smoldering mound of carcasses on the hillside.
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The Myth of the Water Cactus
In desperation the man crawled through the scorching sand. Just one drink of water, he thought. Just one drink. Finally he collapsed of dehydration and died. His body was scavenged, then over time buried in the sand by the wind. Later, a tiny cactus sprouted in that exact location and, over the course of many years, grew strong. Another man, the very grandson of the man who died crawling in desperation, came upon the cactus one day searching for the remains of his lost grandfather. Tragically, he too had run short of water and was by that time very close to death. The man frantically began breaking the cactus open for the life giving water stored inside. But as it turns out the cacti species don’t really hold water like everyone thinks. It’s just a myth.
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As young William wandered off the playground to fetch a ball he came upon an ancient tree that seemed strangely out of place. Eyeing it closer he quickly discovered it indeed was no ordinary tree at all, but a talking one. As William drew near, the tree magically came to life and began to speak to him about times of old. Times of Kings and Queens, and Dark Lords with powers of sorcery that have not been matched in thousands of years. Then, the tree’s face grew stern, for he spoke of the Great Prophecy of Nethertoth, and how the evil prince of the underworld would return one day to finally seek revenge on the blood descendant of King William of Loch.
“Uh, oh,” William jumped up, “this tree’s a dork.” Returning to his dodgeball game quickly as to avoid ‘dork association,’ he never spoke of it again. However, years later as a popular adult he would often ponder on the events and say, “Whew, that was close.”
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The waves beat down on the little ship like mighty blows from an angry giant. Still, it held firm. Its brave captain, Cap’n Tom Panties, would not let the ship go down. Yes, it’s been a tough name for him to bear these many years. Being a Panties has never been easy. But the struggle has made him strong. Take the hazing for example, it was merciless and ruthless. It didn’t help matters that he was a skinny, glasses wearing weakling either. In fact, you might even say he had it coming. As he was pretty annoying as well. He’d steal people’s stuff, interrupt conversations, even flick people sitting in front of him on the ears after they’d repeatedly asked him to stop. Sometimes he’d let the air out of everyone’s bike tires at recess. Oh, he’d say inappropriate remarks to girls as they walked by, tell on any boy he saw cheating on a test, even knock people’s lunch trays out of their hands. On this very boat he hid all the good food and told everyone else there was none left. Then he spit into all their water bottles. Still, the ship held firm. You just can’t stop a Panties.
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Walter Thomas was having a time of it today. Taking a break, he sat outside and pondered his career path. People can be so difficult at times, he thought. Perhaps he had rushed into things and now needed to cut back. Why do there have to be so many thick headed people in this world? Why can people just allow things to run smoothly? I mean how hard is it to get it through their skulls that resisting the inevitable only makes things harder on everyone?? Taking a deep breath, he somehow mustered up the faith things would get better. Returning to work, he lifted the guillotine blade and let it drop once more.
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When they wed, Kenneth told his bride, “I hope you know that you’ll always be my lady.” You see, that’s just the kind of guy he was.
Yes, living up to his promise over the course of many years he could often be heard saying, “Cook me dinner, my Lady.” Or, “Do my laundry, my Lady.” Sometimes with company it was, “Are those my Lady’s dirty undergarments over there?”
She was his lady alright, and everybody knew it.
“See my Lady pulling those weeds?” he’d say to passers by while lounging with a mint julep. “I bet you thought my Lady was pregnant didn’t you?” he’d remark to bank tellers. To co-workers it was, “Have you ever heard a lady snore like this?!” -As he’d rewind the tape and play again.
Yes she would always be his lady. That’s just the kind of guy he was.
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It’s almost laughable now. People thinking their music would cause kids to rebel. But back in the 50’s that’s what people thought. Who can forget their first song, “Do don’t good things.” -Harmless now, but back then, wow. The impact was almost incalculable. And their other hits, “You should rebel,” and “Disobey your parents, right now.” These innocuous tunes became the soundtrack of our lives. Sadly, all of the band’s members died from separate illegal activities within minutes of their first release. And when they did, a piece of our innocence went with them. An orgy will be held at the local dance hall in their honor tonight. We hope you’ll bring some good drugs.
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You see this coin? The old main said, raising the Fruit Loop. Then, peering through its hole continued, “I found this off the coast of Chili, buried ten feet down at the bottom of the ocean. It’s worth a billion dollars.” Wow, thought the male nurse changing his diaper. I want to be like this guy someday. (More so for him being well endowed than the coin though.)
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Jack abandoned all to go live in the wilderness, with the bears. After several months of staying at a distance one day he strangely felt their welcoming him in. For example, a fish was placed at his tent door one morning. Then, some wild honey was placed near his campfire. Eventually his hopes where confirmed as they invited him into their pack. Not long after he would marry one of them in a simple ceremony and soon had a family of bear-children. One day however he awoke to find his wife and the cub-kids had left him for a real bear. Broken hearted, he returned to society and became a bum. It was the same life basically, just without the bears. You see, he didn’t want anything to do with bears after that.